


I can't fall in love without you

by PressPack



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-07
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:41:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 17,823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24594718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PressPack/pseuds/PressPack
Summary: “I love you and you know that better than anyone, so don't you dare say that I don’t.”“Then show me that you love me, show me that you care.” Christen pleads, yelling now too.
Relationships: Tobin Heath/Christen Press
Comments: 136
Kudos: 409





	1. It's Over

**_4 months ago_ **

“Really, Christen?” Tobin yells, clearly not doing a good job at hiding her frustration. “You’re pulling  _ that  _ card?”

“I’m not pulling any card!” Christen defends.

“I love you and you know that better than anyone, so don't you dare say that I don’t.” 

“Then show me that you love me, show me that you care.” Christen pleads, yelling now too. 

That sets Tobin off even more. All she’s ever put her time and energy into was making sure that Christen knows she’s loved. Hearing Christen say that all she wants is for Tobin to show her that she cares, rips through her chest and pulls at her heart. 

“Wow!” Tobin shakes her head with disbelief, speechless on what else to comment. 

“I think it’s clear to both of us that you stopped caring a long time ago.” Christen continues, not being able to focus on a word she’s saying due to her emotional and physical exhaustion. She’d just lost in the play-offs with the Royals, playing in Seattle before driving down to Portland to stay at home for a few nights and then going back to Utah for a team media event. 

“Chris, stop. You’re upset from losing the game, I get it, but please stop taking the anger out on me!” Tobin tries, figuring that’s what’s bothering Christen as she doesn’t know what started their fight in first place. 

“I’m not upset about the game, I’m upset with you! Tobin, I just want you to fucking care for once.” Christen explains, “We don’t even go out anymore when I’m here, because you’re always too tired or whatever. You’ve been in Utah about once this season, clearly making me be the one to put all of the effort in. This is a two way relationship Tobin, where both people are supposed to give 100% and not one a hundred and the other zero.”

And just like that she’d done it again - Tobin’s heart feeling like it was being ripped up and stomped on. Sure they went out a lot less these days, but that wasn’t because Tobin didn’t bother or was tired. It was because they’d had less opportunities to see each other over the past two seasons, so Tobin just wanted to spend time with Christen and have her all to herself whenever they were together. She never thought Christen had an issue with it, they always seemed to enjoy simply being in each other's presence without Allie, Sonnett, Lindsey or Alex around at the local bars. And Tobin would have retired on the spot and stayed in Utah for the full season if she could, but media commitments, sponsorships and games kept her in Portland. The Thorns’ schedule was tighter than the Royals’ one, usually giving Christen more opportunities to travel to Portland than the other way round. 

What broke her heart even more was Christen believing that Tobin didn’t put any effort into their relationship. She puts everything and more into it every single day, just trying to be worthy of Christen, but clearly she wasn’t. 

They were both exhausted and Tobin was trying not to break down, “I do care. Of course I care, Christen.”

“That’s fucking bullshit and you know it.” Christen rolls her eyes, “You act like you care one minute and then the next you’re acting like a bitch. That’s not the Tobin I know, that’s not the Tobin I  _ loved _ .” 

She can’t hold it in anymore, silent tears streaming down her face as she swallows a sob. Hearing Christen imply that she doesn’t love Tobin anymore, hurts more than anything she’s ever experienced in her life. 

“We don’t do that!” Tobin yells, not even sure what it’s worth now. “We don’t call each other names.” 

Christen sighs, shaking her head. “We can’t do this anymore. _I_ can’t do this anymore.” 

Tobin doesn’t know what to say. She knows exactly what she wants to say, but she’s not going to force the person she loves into a relationship that she clearly doesn’t want to be in anymore. Maybe Christen will come back and apologize to her before morning, maybe there's a chance that Christen _does_ still love Tobin. 

When Tobin doesn’t say anything apart from a nod, Christen scoffs. It was clear to her that Tobin didn’t even care enough to stick up for the four-year long relationship that was currently crumbling under her feet from seemingly out of nowhere. 

Sure they’d had two or three miscommunications and bickers over the past months, but never had they ever had something like this. 

“Right,” Christen nods, trying to give Tobin another opportunity to speak up. “That’s it then I guess. We’re done, it’s over!” 

She grabs her purse and shoes, slipping them on and walking out of the door. Tobin falls to the floor the minute she hears the door gently close, making it so much more final. She breaks down, letting the stream of tears flow that just don’t seem to stop. She falls asleep there, head resting on her knees and her back against the edge of the sofa. 

The first thing that she notices when she wakes up in the morning is that it’s quiet... _ silent. _ There’s no one up making coffee, no one humming, no one doing yoga in the living room, no one meditating by the glass door to the balcony. 

She figured that Christen had left to have some space before facing Tobin again - so they could hopefully talk about whatever happened last night. But Tobin is quick to realize that isn’t the case and she'd kept her hopes too high. She finds her phone, seeing a text message waiting for her. 

**Chris❤️ :** In case there is even a small chance that you care, I’m fine and caught a flight back to Utah.

Tobin feels her heart break for the millionth time in the past twelve hours, sending back a quick reply with shaky hands. 

**Tobs** ❤️ : Okay, thanks. 

**Tobs** ❤️ : Of course I care.

Christen scoffs at the messages, pulling the contact name up and changing it. 

**Tobin Heath**

She deletes the thread of messages, not looking back at the ones from less than forty-eight hours ago where Tobin was texting her how much she loved her and that she couldn’t wait to see Christen again, missing her and simply wanting her _home_. 

Christen walks back into her shared apartment with Rachel in the early hours of the day, already seeing her roommate up in the kitchen. 

Rachel turns around when she hears the door open, about to defend herself from whoever just walked into her apartment, when she sees Christen looking like a beaten up puppy. 

Rachel opens her arms, pulling Christen into a hug. She doesn’t move her arms at first, not having the energy to hug her back, until she wraps her arms around Rachel tightly and starts sobbing into her shoulder. 

“We broke up.” She chokes out, crying even harder. 

Rachel’s eyes go wide, hearing the last thing she would have ever expected, but deciding now wasn’t a good time to comment on it. Those two were so in love with each other, that she wouldn’t have been surprised if there would have been a proposal by the end of the year. 

She knew this was something that Christen would keep to herself for a very long time and definitely not tell the team any time soon, so for now she was more than happy to be there and hold Christen whilst she cries. 

After Christen eventually stopped, now simply feeling numb, Rachel sent her off to have a shower and change. By the time she came back, she’d prepared Christen’s favorite movie with a tub of ice cream for them to share. 

Christen won’t be ready to talk about anything yet, but Rachel just wanted to be there for her right now. 

Christen sat down next to Rachel, giving her a grateful smile -  _ The best one she could master -  _ And hugging herself in her oversized hoodie. She was pale, shivering slightly and her eyes were red and puffy. 

She fell asleep with her head resting on Rachel’s shoulder, needing the comfort of someone being there right now. 

\-------

**_Present day_ **

Christen thought it would get easier. 

She’d expected to slowly drift out of the stage where she constantly craved Tobin’s presence; she’d expected to no longer feel like part of her was missing; she’d expected to no longer lie awake at night and wish a certain person was next to her.

It didn’t get easier though. It only got harder.

She’d see the picture on her bedside table that she can’t bring herself to throw away, she’d see Tobin’s rarely used toothbrush next to hers, she’d see the polaroid pictures of them hanging on her mirror that would look too bare without them, she’d see the Thorns’ Instagram account regularly posting pictures of Tobin, or she’d see Tobin’s sunglasses in her car. 

That would usually set her off, but it wasn’t the big things that she missed the most. It was the little things. 

She missed Tobin’s smile, her laughter, her soft kisses, the feeling of being in her arms, falling asleep next to each other, cuddling on the sofa, and holding each other close. She missed Tobin’s hazel eyes and her comforting scent. 

Those were the things she missed every day. 

They hadn’t spoken since Christen opened Tobin’s last text. She’d never gone more than twelve hours without talking to Tobin, so four months was beginning to feel like a lifetime. 

Camp for the Shebelieves Cup was coming up soon, and she had to have her full focus on that. She couldn’t think about Tobin, couldn’t let her mind get distracted. 

No one on the team knew, but that’s the way she wanted it. She’d deal with that another day. 

The first day they arrived at the hotel, Christen couldn’t help but steal a glance of Tobin. She looked happy, carefree and as if nothing bad had ever happened to her. 

What Christen couldn’t see, was Tobin looking over at her too, forcing the lump in her throat back down at the sight of Christen. All she wanted was to wrap the girl into a tight hug and kiss her, just like she usually would. 

They don’t talk. 

Not for the first day. Or the second. Or the third.

Christen expected that to make it easier, to make it feel easier that she couldn’t have Tobin, but it didn’t. 

All she wanted was to spend time with Tobin, to be around her and go back to how things used to be. Go back to the coffee dates in the mornings, the stolen kisses when no one was looking, the sneaky texts sent throughout the day and sleeping in one of their rooms when they had rest days. 

Instead, she was almost late to all of the meetings because she couldn’t get up early enough, her phone stayed silent in her pocket and the sheets she slept in were always cold. 

On the fourth night of silently pushing the tears away and willing herself not to cry, she calls the only person that knows. 

“Chris?” Rachel asks through the phone, wondering why she was getting a call this late. 

“I miss her.” Christen cries, knowing she doesn’t have to say more than that for Rachel to know. “I was so stupid. I just want her back, I still love her.” 

“I know it’s hard, but it’ll get easier. Something like this is never easy when you work together, but you’ll get used to it and learn how to deal with those feelings.”

“I don’t want it to get easier,” Christen sniffs through the phone, “I just want her.” 

“Then talk to her, Chris.” Rachel tries, “Apologize, say what’s on your mind and see how she reacts.”

She’d consider it, maybe even do it. But only on the last day. And only if Tobin didn’t speak to her before then. 

Tobin wasn’t doing any better. 

She tossed and turned all night, longing for the girl with green eyes and tanned skin to be lying next to her. 

Everytime she sees Christen, she gets that same ache in her heart again. 

_ “The Tobin that I loved.”  _ is all that’s been running through her mind over the past months. How hard she was trying to recognize where the change was, trying to find a way to go back to that Tobin so she could be good enough for Christen. 

She was trying so hard to compare herself with the past and to be the person that Christen wants again. She always struggled to find the change Christen had spoke about, but it just made her think harder.

Yet it seems like that doesn’t matter when you stopped loving someone, because Christen never as much as blinked an eye in her direction throughout the whole tournament. 

She wouldn’t look at Tobin and wouldn’t speak to Tobin. It hurt, it hurt her a lot. 

She would think back to all the sleepless nights where she filled her journal with ways she thought Christen appreciated the most when she was trying to show her how much she loved her. She wrote down ideas on how to make herself better, but none of that seemed to matter when she couldn’t have Christen. 

Tobin would lie awake at night, wondering where she went wrong. Wondering what she did to make Christen fall out of love with her, beating herself up about all of the ways she could have done better. 

She could have turned down sponsorships so she could travel to Utah more often, she could have taken her out on more dates, could have written her more notes filled with reasons why she loves her, could have bought her more flowers, could have bought her more presents and said 'I love you' more than the million times a day when she already told her that. _An_ _ything_ that she could have done to keep Christen's love. 

God, how she wished she would have done all of that. 

Losing Christen was by far the worst pain she’s ever felt and something she’ll regret for the rest of her life. 

Tobin knows she has to be the bigger person eventually though. She has to show Christen that she’s worked on herself and can control her emotions, knowing how much Christen hated that her last ex was always chasing after her after their break-up.

If only Tobin would know that Christen needs her to do that now - wants her to do that. 

On the sixth day, when they were always asked their flight preferences for after the tournament, Tobin finally had the courage to speak to her. 

“Hey,” Tobin says quietly as she walks up to Christen whilst they’re waiting in the lobby. 

“Hi,” Christen says, giving Tobin a tight lipped smile. She sighs with regret when Tobin won’t meet her eyes, looking down at her shoes instead. 

“So, I was wondering if you wanted to fly out to Portland for a couple of nights after this?” Tobin asks, “Just to get all your stuff from the apartment and that.” 

Christen bites her bottom lip to keep it from trembling. “Yeah,” She whispers, “I can do that.” 

They’re both looking away, not being able to see the hurt in each other’s eyes. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr : PressPack


	2. Friends?

Christen walks into the apartment behind Tobin with a sigh. Rachel had tried to convince her that this might be a bad idea, but when it became clear that Christen wanted to go, she was the same supportive friend she always was.

Looking around, Christen tries her best to take it all in. She’s way too aware that she might never get the chance to be here again, the place she used to call home. 

When she looks towards what used to be  _ their  _ office space, she sees a number of moving boxes piled up in there and gets confused. 

Tobin must have followed the trail she made with her eyes, because she’s answering the question before Christen could even ask it. “Oh, I’ve been thinking of moving once this lease is up. I haven’t found anything yet so I might have to stay here for another year, so I only started packing up my non-essential stuff!” 

“Why?” Christen turns to Tobin with furrowed eyebrows.  _ Tobin loves this apartment! _

“I’ve just lived here so long and want a change.” Tobin explains, which only confuses Christen further as they only moved into this apartment a year ago. It was a bigger one than the previous one, starting to prepare for their plan of having children in the next five years. 

Tobin looks away again, staring at the boxes and swallowing the words she wanted to say.  _ It’s not home without you. Portland isn’t home without you.  _

Christen simply nods, deciding to drop the topic. 

She was going to be staying in Portland for three nights. Originally, she’d told Tobin that she would book a room in the hotel down the road, but Tobin insisted that Christen could simply stay in the apartment. 

And if that’s because Tobin wants the chance to pretend that they live together for another three days; wants a last chance to come home to Christen, with the hopes that her scent will linger in the air for a few days after she leaves, then she doesn’t mention any of that. 

They arrive late on the first night, Tobin going straight to bed and Christen settling into the guest room.

She’d designed this room, decorating and painting it with the help of Tobin. It was always one of her favorite rooms in their apartment, but right now it couldn’t be any further from that.

Christen doesn’t get any sleep that night, lying on her back and staring at the ceiling instead. She almost thinks that Tobin might have been the same when she’s already making coffee at 4:30 in the morning, but why Tobin would struggle sleeping had her mind baffled. 

“Here!” Tobin says as she gently throws the orange yoga mat in Christen’s direction, knowing the girl loved doing that first thing. She gets up, pouring herself a second cup and also making Christen a coffee. 

Christen gives her a grateful smile, unrolling the mat to start. 

Tobin’s leaning against the counter, pretending to scroll through her phone and drink coffee. Well, she was doing both of those, but she couldn’t help but let her eyes wander to admire Christen for what could be one of the last times.

She was always so peaceful and in her zone when she did yoga, something Tobin wished their relationship still was. 

It makes her miss Christen always being around even more, seeing the space that had been empty for months now being occupied again. The sight almost lets her mind fool her into thinking that Christen is back and that their break-up is long forgotten, but reality hits her hard and she moves towards the shower before Christen has the chance to see her red, teary eyes. 

“Have you seen all of the stuff about Covid-19?” Christen questions when Tobin comes out of the shower, tilting her phone towards her. Tobin has to physically restrain herself from wrapping Christen into a hug from behind, seeing just how  _ soft  _ she looked in her yoga pants and hoodie. “It’s crazy how we went from the little bubble in Texas to it being all over the news.” 

Tobin reads through the headline Christen is holding in front of her, nodding in agreement. “It’s predicted to get a lot worse apparently.” 

Still being exhausted from the tournament, they end up relaxing for most of the day instead. Tobin leaves to go to Providence Park and get something from the trainers at midday, but returns with take-out so they can watch a movie. 

That night, Christen finds herself in the same situation - still not being able to sleep. 

She grabs a lighter blanket and one of the pillows, tiptoeing into the living room. She sets herself a quiet alarm, settling into the sofa instead.

It made her feel better and closer to Tobin. Maybe it was because she was sleeping in a different bed than she was used to whilst still being in the same place, or maybe it was the many memories of them napping together on the sofa. 

They’d always sleep on there, wrapped up in each other’s arms, after an off-season training session at Providence Park. 

What she’d do to have those arms wrapped around her right now, knowing that she’d be out like a light if Tobin were holding her. 

The next morning, she rushes back into the guest room before Tobin would notice where she slept.

After a warm shower and her yoga routine, she finds Tobin in the kitchen. She’s stood by the kitchen island, eyebrows furrowed and eyes scanning over her phone screen.

“Morning,” Christen chides. 

“Hey, have you seen the email we just got?” Tobin asks, looking up at Christen. 

Christen shakes her head, moving next to Tobin. Displayed on the screen was a long email regarding their rules to protect the players from the virus - the main one being them demanding all players to remain in their current location until further notice and suspending them from all travel for as long as US Soccer orders. 

“How am I supposed to get back to Utah?” Christen questions with a scoff.

“You can’t risk travelling there, Chris.” Tobin speaks, letting the nickname slip out. “You could lose your spot on the roster and get suspended for the season if they find out you were travelling.” 

“You’re right,” Christen rubs her forehead in thought, “I should look up local hotel bookings or something like that.” 

Tobin shakes her head, “Just stay here.” 

Christen gives her a hesitant look, not being sure if her heart could handle that, but looks away again before she can see the disappointment in Tobin’s eyes, it seeming like Christen doesn’t want to stay there. 

“It’s safer than any hotel.” Tobin shrugs when Christen still hadn’t given her an answer.

“Okay,” Christen nods, “So are we-, are we okay?” 

Tobin blinks for a long moment, not allowing herself to be emotional again. She’d promised herself she’d be the bigger person.

“Yeah, we are!” Tobin confirms, “Friends?” 

Christen agrees and lets her eyes flick to the ground to prevent Tobin from seeing the tears that are welling up in her eyes at the mention of being friends. 

She’s not sure she’ll ever be able to simply be  _ friends  _ with the woman she loves, but it was better than nothing. 

She’d sorted out her stuff from the office and would look through the closet tomorrow, but after going on a run and speaking to her new coach about her current situation with US Soccer, she was too tired to think anymore.

She waited until she thought Tobin was asleep, quietly making her way into the living room again and lying down on the sofa.

Tobin couldn’t sleep though. 

Her heart was aching with how much she misses Christen, the girl being so close yet so far away at the same time. She wishes she could have Christen in what used to be  _ their  _ bed. She wishes they could cuddle up together, limbs tangled, as Tobin listens to Christen’s breathing even out and turns into the lightest snores.

She sighs when it’s clear that she won’t be getting any sleep for the third night in a row now, getting up to grab some water from the kitchen. 

She stalls when she sees someone on the sofa, her eyes trying to adjust to the darkness. Tobin relaxes when she notices it’s only Christen, making her question why she wasn’t in the guest room but shrugging it off. 

Christen, still not fully asleep, stilled herself when she heard Tobin come out of her room - hoping to avoid any conversation if Tobin thinks she’s asleep.

Tobin walks over to her, gently and slowly moving the blanket up a little higher to tuck Christen in tighter. She knows Christen must be cold, always needing Tobin’s body heat to sleep without shivering, so she gets one of the thicker blankets and puts it on top of the other one.

Tobin freezes for a moment, just trying to take Christen in. She kneels on the floor, brushing the curls out of Christen’s face and leaving the lightest of kisses on her forehead. 

“I’m sorry I couldn’t be enough. I tried, baby. I really did. I could have done so much more, I would have done anything. How did it come to this? I thought you were happy, just like I was.” Tobin whispers.

“Losing you is the most painful thing I’ve ever felt. I love you, baby. Forever and more. I hope you find that person that can give you everything I couldn’t, but just know that you’ll always be the love of my life.” Tobin sniffs quietly, trying not to wake the girl. “I miss you, but I’ll be okay. I’ve been trying really hard to make myself better for you.”

“I know you don’t love me anymore - but I still can’t figure out when you stopped loving me, I always thought we were so strong together. I’ll forever be a safe place for you to come to if you need someone! I’ll always love you and I’ll always be there for you even if I can’t have you.” 

She brushes her finger along Christen’s cheek, getting up and grabbing a bottle of water before going back to the bedroom. The first thing she does is grab her journal, reading through the pages filled with memories again and just wishing she could go back to them.

Christen turns onto her back, closing her eyes tightly.  _ How did we get here? Why did I hurt her so badly? _

**Chris :** I fucked up so bad.

**Rach :** Now or four months ago?

**Chris :** Both? Always?

**Rach :** You’re not a bad person, Chris.

**Chris :** I broke the love of my life’s heart...that makes me the WORST person! Why did I even get so angry that night? 

**Rach :** I don’t know. Play-offs? Did you guys have an argument?

**Chris :** Not before I started yelling at her. I haven’t let soccer impact our relationship before.

**Rach :** You hadn’t stopped playing for over a month and travelled to different time zones more than once a week, we were all exhausted.

**Chris :** That doesn’t excuse what I did. I should have just said that I was upset and we could have watched a movie or something like that.

**Rach :** You can’t go back now, but you need to tell her how you feel.

**Chris :** I can’t. I wouldn’t know how to explain myself. I said so much that wasn’t true that night.

**Rach :** How bad was it?

**Chris :** Terrible. I’ve never felt worse about anything.

**Rach :** I can’t tell you how you feel or what to do, but you need to do something. You’re stuck together for at least two weeks now anyway, so use that chance to talk about everything. Maybe it’ll all work out or maybe it won’t, but at least you’ll know.

**Chris :** I will, at some point. 

**Rach :** Don’t beat yourself up tonight, Chris. Go to sleep.

**Chris :** I’ll try, Rach. Thank you, love you.

**Rach :** I love you too, Chris. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr : PressPack


	3. You're Drunk

The days seem to fly by after that. They fall into a routine of drinking coffee together in the mornings, getting work and meetings done throughout the day and then watching a movie together at night. 

It’s strange. Apart from the heartaches that are impossible to ignore, it’s almost like nothing happened. 

Christen is in the guest bedroom on a sponsorship call, when Tobin finds herself in the storage room. She’s looking through the boxes she’d packed before the tournament, trying to find one of her paint brushes that must have gotten lost in there, when she comes across a white picture frame. She picks it up, turning it around and seeing the image that used to be on her nightstand. Tobin didn’t throw it away, she couldn’t. She had to keep it. 

Looking at it, she can still remember the feeling of it. It was of her and Christen in the locker rooms after winning the World Cup last year. Christen had a beaming smile on her face and Tobin was kissing her cheek. 

_ We look so happy.  _ Tobin thinks as she traces her hand over the picture, smiling at the memory. 

She’s pulled out of her thoughts when a door opens down the hall and she scrambles to put the frame away again. Christen must have heard that though, as she gives Tobin a slightly confused and suspicious look. Tobin just looks away, quickly moving on with the topic again. 

“How was the call?” Tobin asks, getting up and moving the box back to where it was. 

“Fine,” Christen nods, “It’s this new partnership with Snow Monkey so we had to sort out announcements and all that.”

“Snow Monkey?” Tobin chuckles at the name. 

“Stop!” Christen nudges her shoulder with a laugh, “It’s this ice cream, dessert kind-of-thing.” 

Tobin puts her hands up, “I didn’t say anything.” She walks away with a giggle, Christen shaking her head with a smile as she follows her and feels the awkwardness fade properly for the first time in a long time. 

“You didn’t have to!” Christen explains, knowing the look on Tobin’s face all too well. It was one she used to tease her about and kiss off of her face. 

“I better get a chance to try this.” Tobin says, turning around to Christen and laughing again. 

“Well, lucky for you I’m getting some sent!” Christen smirks, “It can be our movie night popcorn replacement.”

“We’ll make that decision after I try it.” Tobin chuckles.

When Tobin has a call with Mark and the rest of the coaching staff later that day, Christen finally makes herself pack up the closet. 

She rummages through the drawers and cupboards, trying to even remember which clothes are hers and which aren’t. 

If Christen sneaks in one of Tobin’s hoodies, hoping that Tobin’s scent would stay on it and provide her with comfort for the rest of her time, then she would never admit to it. And if she may or may not have collected Tobin’s shirt that she used to sleep in with the hopes that it helps her sleep tonight, then no one would have to find that out either. 

“Whilst we’re here, I guess we should start figuring out how to tell the team and how to act in camp?” Tobin questions with a small voice after they ate dinner, suggesting to talk instead of watching a movie right away.

Christen’s hope for Tobin still wanting her dies, and she stupidly agrees. 

Christen suggests opening a bottle of wine whilst they do it, a plan that turns out to backfire slightly. When she thought she was being smart and covering her emotions with it, she didn’t plan on getting a little tipsy. 

They figure everything out - deciding they’ll tell the team together at the next camp. They’ll stay professional, just like they’d always done, and be good friends to the other. 

Their families would be a slightly different story. They both agreed to do that separately and when it felt right, which Tobin was already chewing her lip about. She has no doubt that there’ll be way too many questions, especially since both families are aware of the engagement ring Tobin bought with the plan of proposing on their fifth anniversary.

Afterwards, they were planning on watching a movie, just like they’d done every night for the past week. Somehow they’d found themselves talking just like old times. It’s easy, it’s always been easy. 

They forget about the television, not even switching it on. They’re back to teasing each other, telling jokes and sharing funny stories from camp. 

“I’ve missed hearing your laugh.” Christen smiles sadly, blushing when she realized what she just admitted out loud.

“Okay, I think you’re drunk!” Tobin states, not wanting Christen to give her any false hope. “Let’s get you to bed.” 

The sober part of Christen’s mind was telling her to leave it at that and agree, but she couldn’t help herself. “Will you stay with me tonight?” She whispers quietly, looking at Tobin with hopeful eyes. 

Tobin shakes her head, “I don’t think that’s a good idea.” Running through her mind were the hundreds of reasons why she wanted to say yes, but she didn’t want to set herself up for any more disappointment. 

Christen sighs, nodding understandably and deciding not to put up a fight to try again. 

Sleep comes to Tobin surprisingly easy that night. Maybe it was because of the way her and Christen had been around each other all day, laughing and smiling. She wakes up early in the morning though, earlier than usually and following her normal routine. 

As she grabs some socks from her drawer, she can’t help but admire the ring she’s kept in there for the past year. She twists it in her hand, looking at it carefully and remembering when she first bought it. She’d always imagined it belonging on a tanned finger instead of staying in her drawer forever. 

At first, she’d been upset to the point that she’d debated on selling it, but eventually she came to her senses. 

She wasn’t  _ ever  _ going to love someone else. She didn’t have that in her, at least not to the extent that she loved Christen. So sure, she could move on with her life and eventually find someone new that she gets along with, but she’d always be chasing exactly what she had with Christen.

Instead, she decided that this was it for her. 

She’d always planned on Christen being her last first kiss, so that’s how it’s going to be. That’s how she wants it to be. 

Maybe she never got the chance to propose or marry the love of her life, but she was still blessed enough to spend the four best years of her life with that person. That’s something she’ll hold on to forever. Those memories won’t ever fade. 

The day is filled with online meetings, phone calls and grocery shopping is tucked in there too. 

It seems more normal now - between them. It feels like they’re back to the best friends they were before dating, back before everything was ruined, back before everything even started. 

When they watched a movie that night, Christen had insisted on watching one of the new horror movies on Netflix. Tobin had suggested other ones multiple times, knowing how much Christen hated horror movies, but she stayed stubborn and that’s how they ended up thirty minutes into it. 

Tobin had been right though - laughing every time Christen jumps or cringes and turns away from the screen. She shakes her head at the younger girl, moving her arm from the top of the backrest onto Christen’s shoulders, pulling her into a hug in a joking way. 

Christen doesn’t seem to notice the reason for it though, simply shuffling closer and curling into herself in Tobin’s arms. Tobin feels herself choking up, swallowing hard and trying not to move. All she wanted was to call this girl hers again and rewind the time to fix  _ that  _ night. 

Christen knew it was a bold move, but if this was her last chance to ever lie in Tobin’s arms again, then she’d take it without a question - wishing the moment could last forever. 

She feels herself relax once Tobin changes over to a different movie instead, clearly seeing that Christen had enough. She starts muttering random comments again throughout the movie, just like she used to do when they’d watch shows together. Just like she used to do when Portland was still  _ their  _ home. 

It has Tobin so lost in their timeline, that she accidentally leans forward and kisses Christen’s forehead halfway through the movie - laughing softly at a cute comment Christen made. Instead of stiffening or pulling away, Christen drops her head down onto Tobin’s shoulder. 

Tobin can’t help but tear up at the feeling of them cuddled close, just like it used to be. This was something she’d been missing so much. 

When she sniffs, Christen looks up. 

“The movie isn’t even that sad, Tobs.” Christen chuckles, not connecting two and two together. 

“I’m just tired and emotional.” Tobin laughs, wiping the wetness out of her eyes and brushing off her feelings. Christen lifts her head with worry, and for the first time in months, their eyes lock  _ at the same time _ . 

They’re looking into each other’s eyes now, getting lost in them without making as much as a sound. Before either of them register what’s happening, their eyes flicker down to their lips and they lean in. 

Tobin feels Christen’s lips gently brush against hers, something she’s missed even more. She leans in again, kissing her softly and feeling Christen’s hand move up to cup her cheek. Neither of them are moving to deepen the kiss, but it’s filled with nothing but emotions and love. 

Tobin pulls away again when she realizes what they’re doing, hurt filling her insides. “We shouldn’t be doing this!” Tobin whispers, getting up to leave and going to bed. 

It pained her too much to feel the girl without having her. She couldn’t risk things going any further either. Christen was more than a quick fix or sleeping with an ex to her - she was so much more. Christen was everything, everything that soccer wasn’t  _ and more. _ She thought Christen was going to be her forever. 

Christen drops her head back, shutting her eyes tightly when Tobin leaves. How badly she wishes that the kiss could have lasted longer. It had just felt so right, like everything was how it’s supposed to be. How badly she wishes they could just go back to how things were before the fight. 

They both feel nothing but emptiness and loneliness that night. 

By the time Christen wakes up in the morning, she’s made her decision. 

She can’t stay here any longer. It’s hurting her too much. It hurts even more now that she realizes how much she  _ really  _ hurt Tobin. 

She’ll tell Tobin that she’s going and she’ll apologize before she leaves for the airport, so she has a day or two to prepare what she’s going to say. Or maybe she’ll write her a letter tonight and leave it here. 

Christen clears her throat when she sees Tobin for the first time this morning. “I think I’m going to try booking a flight back to Utah.”

Sadness fills Tobin’s eyes, knowing that her home was about to turn into just another apartment for the rest of her time. 

“You don’t have to.” Tobin tries, figuring it wasn’t crossing any lines or boundaries. 

Christen nods slowly, “I think it might be what’s best.” She reaches into her pocket, pulling out her apartment key that she still kept on her keyring and handing it over to Tobin. 

“I’ll miss you.” Tobin whispers, taking the key into her hand sadly. “I’ll miss you so much.” 

“You’ll be okay.” Christen tries to smile, “You have the team and this amazing city, which is your home.” 

“No,” Tobin shakes her head, “It’s not home.”

Christen’s eyebrows furrow, tilting her head to the side. “You love Portland!” 

Tobin can’t keep her thoughts in anymore, deciding she might as well let them all out before Christen leaves. “No Christen, I loved Portland because of you. It was never the city that I loved, it was the fact that this apartment was our home - a place I can’t live in anymore because it hurts me too much to know that we’ll never live here together again. I can’t stand being in here anymore because it just makes me miss you even more.”

“I can’t look anywhere in this apartment without thinking of all the amazing memories we made and wishing you were right there next to me again. I can’t breathe in here because I know it’ll never smell like your perfume again. I can’t sleep in here because it reminds me of all the nights I got to hold you in my arms.” Tobin grounds herself, trying to stay calm and not yell to get her point across. “So I’m sorry for being hesitant on letting you get on the first flight out of here, but I want to keep the person that I love safe and try to make the feeling of home in this apartment last a little longer before it disappears forever. Sue me for wanting to do anything I can to remember the way it feels to be around you all day and actually be happy.” 

“Tob-” Christen starts with tears running down her face. She can’t even finish her first word before Tobin interrupts her, clearly having these thoughts stocked up for a while now. 

“No, it’s fine. I get it - we had a fight and broke up. I get that and I get that you want to move on, but I wanted to marry you Christen! I wanted it all with you, so I’m not there yet and maybe I’ll never be. I can’t just walk around and pretend like nothing happened.” Tobin looks so small and broken, that Christen has to resist the urge to just hug and hold her. “The only thing that’s allowing me to let you go is that I know I had the chance to feel what it’s like to love someone with everything I have. I had the chance to know what living my perfect life is like.” 

“Sure it lasted a lot shorter than I wished and prayed for, but I can learn to come to terms with that because not everyone gets the chance to meet  _ their  _ person.” She takes a deep breath, “You were it for me. You were everything I ever wanted and I got to experience the four best years of my life with you so I certainly can’t complain, but that doesn’t make living without you any easier. That doesn’t stop me from wondering what would have happened if we would have spoken about everything the next day.”

“I can’t stop thinking about our fight, like ever, because I still don’t get it.” Tobin continues, “Every single night I lie awake trying to figure out what I did to make you fall out of love with me and how I could have avoided that. I love you so fucking much and this is killing me.” 

Christen stays silent for a short moment, trying to take in everything Tobin just said. She knows she has to answer her, she  _ wants  _ to, but she isn’t sure where to start.

“Sorry, I shouldn’t have said all of that.” Tobin stresses, rushing out of the apartment with her phone and wallet, ignoring Christen calling after her. She needs to clear her head - she’ll go on a walk or run, but she can’t go back in there right now. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this fic might end up longer than I planned oops. (I want to say no longer than another 2 or 3 chapters but watch it end up being like 5 more).  
> 


	4. Moving Forward

Tobin walks through the streets without a direction or destination. Everything is shut anyway, so it’s not like she has anywhere to go.

She’s simply walking around, deep in thought and lost in her own mind. 

She shouldn’t have said all of that to Christen, she knows that, but the thoughts that were going through her mind at the time weren’t easy. They weren’t calm or relaxed ones like she usually has, ones where she knows that everything will work out in the end. Instead, her mind was on overdrive. She didn’t know what to think anymore. 

When Christen had kissed her the previous night, she knew it wouldn’t end well. She’d got her hopes too high again, just like she expected. A small part of her had thought that Christen still felt their love and connection for each other too - that she’d wanted the kiss to never end, just as badly as Tobin did. Tobin wanted to remember the feeling of Christen’s lips forever. 

But of course she didn’t.  _ Why would she?  _

Tobin always did this to herself. She’d believe in the good of things instead of facing the bad - which is probably why she’s outside in freezing temperatures right now and running away from her own problems. 

She doesn’t even know what to expect when she gets home.  _ Home.  _

It’s always been a strange concept for Tobin. All her life, she was a nomad - constantly spending time with different people across different states and even different countries. 

When Christen came into her life, all of this changed. 

She realized that home wasn’t specifically a place or a building, but instead it could be a person. And that’s what Christen became - her  _ home.  _

Christen was the first person that Tobin would go to when she was sad, angry, happy, excited, nervous, terrified or feeling lost. No matter what Tobin was feeling, she’d tell Christen. 

That was another way that Tobin originally noticed how different their relationship was compared to the way she interacted with everyone else on the team. She’d never opened up to someone willingly - not her friends, not her family, not her teammates. No one. 

With Christen, she never struggled with that. She could sit there all night and tell her about every day of her life without as much as hesitating. Tobin never had to hide her true emotions from Christen, which is one of the many things she’d always been thankful for. 

It gave her a safe place - a safe person - that would listen with no judgement. Someone that would pick up her call at any time throughout the day, someone that would support her on her bad days just as much as on her good days, and someone that would be there for her no matter how close or far apart they were. 

That’s how Portland turned into home. Christen officially moving into Tobin’s apartment and calling it home is what made Tobin call it home too. They were building a life together, and thinking of it as  _ home  _ reminded Tobin of that every time. 

Well, that’s what she thought. She thought they were building a life together and looking into the future. The after soccer and the ways they could spend their time before having children  _ together.  _

But then everything changed.

She doesn’t even know what to expect when she gets back, which is why she just keeps walking in the opposite direction. 

_ Will Christen still be there? If she is, would she even want to talk to me or did I just ruin our chances of being friends?  _

One thing that Tobin knew from soon after the break-up was that she would rather be Christen’s friend than not be in her life at all. She needs Christen - longs for her - in her life, so she’d much rather love her whilst being a supportive friend than lose all strings of communication. 

Maybe she’ll be  _ tempted _ to send good morning texts, call her when she gets exciting or terrible news, just simply feel the need to hear her voice and have days where she just wants to hide by being wrapped up in Christen’s arms, but she’d just have to push all of that away. 

This may be proven to be a lot more difficult once Christen finds someone else - falls in love with someone else - but she’d just have to push through. She’d have to prepare for the heartbreak when someone else gets to love the woman she thought would always be hers; and she’d have to prepare for the many emotions and the devastation that will hit her when someone else gets to marry the girl that has an engagement ring tucked away for her in an ex-girlfriend's apartment. Gosh, she can’t even begin to imagine the pain she’ll feel if Christen has a family with someone else one day.

But she’ll be okay. She’ll survive and she’ll learn how to breathe again. 

Having Christen in her life is way more important than her own feelings. She can’t stand the thought of never speaking to her again. 

Now though, Tobin was standing in the middle of the sidewalk and debating if she should be on her way back. She has to face Christen at some point, sooner rather than later. 

\-------

For a short moment, Christen almost scraps the idea of her getting a flight back when Tobin leaves the apartment. But then she thinks of how much pain she’s caused Tobin and she doesn’t want to do that anymore, so she storms into Tobin’s bedroom, deciding to get the last of her things and then start looking for available flights.  _ It can’t be too difficult during a global pandemic...right? _

She walks over to her old nightstand, pulling on the small drawer a little too rough, trying to see the content inside through her watery eyes. As she pulls the drawer open, a book falls off the top and lands in front of her. 

Christen tells herself to get her emotions together, leaning down to pick the book up when she sees that something dropped out of it. She looks at it, realizing it was a picture and turning it over. She recognized the picture right away,  _ of course  _ she did. It was always kept in a picture frame on her side of the bed.

Christen stares at it for a long moment, allowing herself to slow down for just a second and take the picture in one last time. 

She opens the book, simply aiming to place it back where it was in first place, when she recognizes Tobin’s unique handwriting. Upon seeing that it was her journal, she should have probably left it alone and not read it, but her eyes traced the page instead. 

The words ‘ _ the Tobin that I loved’  _ were written across the top of the page, with a clear list underneath it. Directly above the list was another title of ‘ _ Ways I could have stopped Christen from falling out of love with me’.  _ The list was long, including anything from buying flowers to cooking Christen’s favorite meals more often, and requesting a trade to Utah so they could spend more time together to adopting a dog or making Christen feel more special. The last one stood out more than the others and engraved itself into Christen’s mind -  _ Being better and more deserving! _

_ I can’t believe Tobin really thinks she isn’t good enough for me.  _

It wasn’t until Christen saw the sentence quoted at the top of the page that she remembered  _ exactly  _ what she said that night and now it all made so much sense. All of the memories were rushing back to her and she was finally seeing some more clarity in all of this. It now makes sense why Tobin thought that Christen doesn’t love her anymore, something that couldn’t be further from the truth. 

Christen was more than ashamed to admit that she didn’t mean any of what she said that night, not even remembering half of what happened because she completely zoned out of her emotions. She’d take it all back in a heartbeat, but sometimes you have to learn from your mistakes and accept them to look into the future.

Flicking through the journal, there were pages filled with Christen’s name in them. Some made her smile, talking about Tobin’s favorite memories of them; some made her furious at herself, filled with cute and romantic ideas of how Tobin could have made Christen happier; and some made tears spill out of her eyes, reading small quotes and prayers Tobin wrote down. Some of those prayers included her hopes for Christen being healthy, happy and safe, and some of them were Tobin asking God to bring Christen back into her life, stating how much she needed and wanted them to be happy again.

There were shorter writings where Tobin just dropped down one or two lines without context, and there were other long ones. There were ones that had Tobin talking about the early stages of their relationship, wondering when the love turned one-sided along the line. There were ones where she spoke about small bickers and arguments that they had, where Tobin now wished they could have made happier memories. And there were ones where she spoke about the moments she cherished the most between them.

The ones that ripped her heart out the most though, were the ones filled with what Tobin had imagined for the future. There was the plans of getting married, with the type of wedding they’d want and what they’d wear; there was the ones where Tobin imagined what their family would have looked like, knowing how filled of laughter and love their household would have been; there was also ones of Tobin imagining birthdays, christmas’ and anniversaries spent together. These pained her the most, because besides the fact she had all of these wishes and dreams too, they were usually accompanied with a short paragraph of Tobin begging for Christen to come back and for her wanting another chance at making Christen fall in love with her - in hopeful attempts to make it last longer this time. 

She puts the journal back after a while, deciding she’s read more than enough and knows she has to stay. She has to make sure Tobin knows that she loves her too, even if it’s the last thing she does. 

Instead of packing, she sits down on the sofa and waits for Tobin’s return - nervously tapping her fingers the entire time. Occasionally, she’ll get up and start pacing around the room, trying to rehearse what she’s going to say. If this is the last chance she’ll get, she’ll make sure she says what she needs to. 

When Tobin finally walks through the door again, Christen is still rooted in her spot. One look at Tobin’s face, and she knows that she should stay silent. She can read right through her and see that Tobin is trying to figure something out - she’s trying to puzzle words together to form a full sentence.    
  


Tobin strolls over to the kitchen after taking her shoes off, pouring a glass of water and walking over to Christen. She sits down on the couch, leaving a small amount of space between them and turning to face the curly-haired girl. 

“You need to do what’s best for you and if that’s booking a flight back to Utah, then I won’t stop you.” Tobin begins, keeping her eyes focused on the wooden floorboards of the apartment. “I just want to make sure that you truly know how I feel about you - about us - before you leave, so I tried gathering my thoughts and somehow making sense of them.” 

Christen nods, signaling for Tobin to continue. She had things to say of her own, but disrupting Tobin won’t help that and she’ll voice her thoughts afterwards. She wants to hear what Tobin has to say first and maybe it’ll change her thoughts on their current situation.

“I-” Tobin begins, shaking her head after a split second and deciding to just get it over with. “I’d do anything to spend just one more day together, wrapped up in our little bubble with no one but each other.” Tobin starts again, sighing sadly. She can’t help but think back to her earlier thoughts about how easy it’s always been to tell Christen  _ everything.  _ Normally she wouldn’t have it in her to speak a whole essay of words and not stop or second guess herself, but it’s Christen so  _ of course  _ she’s going to tell her all of it. “I’d do anything to just feel your touch again, to have another chance to memorize your lips in more detail and how it feels every time you tell me you love me.” 

“Just to simply hug you from behind whilst we make breakfast and to kiss you goodnight before pulling you close and holding on as if I’d never let go.” She pauses, finally looking up to meet Christen’s eyes before continuing. “I wish I hadn’t let go. I wish you weren’t free for other people to love and more than anything I wish that you wouldn’t love others, but life didn’t turn out that way.”

“I fell in love with you from the moment I met you, even if I couldn’t have put it into words back then, but I had no clue that it would ever go this far. I had no clue that I could love so deeply and share this many memories with someone. It’s like every second I spent with you was a new memory, because it was always just as amazing as the previous one.” 

“You, Christen Annemarie Press, are the girl of my dreams, even if I couldn’t be yours.” Tobin doesn’t let her eyes shift from Christen’s, holding her gaze and wanting the younger girl to see the sincerity in her eyes. “My smile might have faded and I may feel a lot less alive, but it won’t ever change how I feel about you!”

“You’re the love of my life and I will learn how to be fully happy again, as long as you’re safe, happy and healthy. I just want you to know that I’d give it all up for you in the blink of an eye - I’d retire from soccer, I’d move states and I’d sell everything I own. I’d do anything for you, Christen, and I hope you find the person that you feel that towards, because there isn’t a more magical feeling in the world than having the girl you love the most be yours.” 

“Being able to call them your girlfriend, holding their hand, showing them off to friends and getting to kiss them whenever you want is truly a blessing - one that I took way too much for granted. But Christen, I promise you with all of my heart that I’m going to let you be. I won’t interrupt your future.” Tobin promises, biting her cheek to keep her emotions in check and get through the monologue she worked out on her walk. “I’ll let you move on from us and find the bigger and greater things in your life.”

Tobin swallows, taking a deep breath. “I’m so in love with you, Christen. I hope that all of your dreams come true and that you find everything you were ever looking for in life, because if there’s one person that deserves happiness, then it’s you.” 

Tobin reaches up with her left hand, tucking some of Christen’s curls behind her ears. She lets her hand move onto her cheek, wiping away Christen’s tears and running her fingers down to her jaw before stilling them there. 

“I love everything about you.” She whispers, looking into Christen’s eyes with an intensity that has never been there before.

Christen doesn’t move. She stays rooted in her spot on the couch and doesn’t make a sound either. 

When it becomes clear that Tobin won’t let out any more, Christen leans forwards, brushing her lips along Tobin’s cheek and leaving a light kiss on it. Tobin’s hand drops from where it had been previously, but Christen links it with her own once she’s leaning back again. 

“I don’t want to move on...” Christen whispers quietly, debating for a long moment if Tobin had even heard what she’d just said. 

“Hm?” Tobin wonders, making it clear that Christen had to speak up a little. 

“I never fell out of love with you, Tobs. I  _ never  _ stopped loving you and I don’t think I ever will.” Christen speaks a little louder this time, “I don’t want to move on from us.” 

Those words get Tobin’s attention, causing her to turn her body further towards Christen.

“This is killing me too.” Christen continues, “It hurts me a lot to be around you but not be  _ with  _ you. It hurts even more to not be around you at all, but I’m used to that pain now.”

“I have a pretty good idea of how that feels.” Tobin whispers, saying it quietly enough that Christen knows she doesn’t want to elaborate any further. 

“I don’t want to leave you and I don’t want to move on with my life - I just want  _ you _ .” Christen keeps expressing her feelings when she sees that Tobin still hasn’t interrupted her, “  _ You’re  _ the girl that I love more than anything else! You’re the one I would do anything for.” 

“Tobs,” She speaks gently, “You’re the girl of my dreams too!”

They lock eyes again after Tobin’s strayed away for a short moment. She sees the sincerity in Christen’s and can’t help but want answers.

“Then why did you say all of that? Did you not think it would hurt me?” Tobin questions in a weak voice, “That’s the worst thing you could ever say to the person that loves you. You could have apologized or explained or said  _ anything  _ over the past four months, but you didn’t. You never said a word.” 

“Because I hurt you and I didn’t want to hurt you anymore. It’s not who we are - we don’t hurt each other or call the other names. I fucked it all up and I couldn’t come to terms with that because I was too heartbroken, and I still am.” Christen nods, “I hurt the most important person in my life and it was the biggest mistake I’ll ever make.”

“Why did we fight?” Tobin asks, truly wanting to know. “What did I say or do that made you so angry?” 

Christen looks down towards the floor, clearly ashamed with herself. “I was feeling so many emotions all at once and didn’t know how to deal with them, so I lashed out.” 

Tobin’s eyebrows furrow, “What do you mean?”

“It was such a stressful week, month even, so it ended up with me yelling instead of anything else.” Christen explains, continuing with a shigh. “I was jealous of you making it further in the play-offs, you having an amazing season, you being Tobin Heath and never having to worry about your place on the National Team roster. Stupid little things like that and I was so emotionally drained that I just started yelling. It’s not an excuse for what I did, but for whatever reason I just lost it. I couldn’t even tell you half of what I said that night, because it was like I was on autopilot and saying the most hurtful things that came into my mind.” 

When she sees Tobin’s wide eyes, she quickly continues to clarify. “Don’t get me wrong, I was so unbelievably proud of you. I’m always proud of you, no matter what, but I couldn’t help but just feel jealous in the moment.”

“That’s something I’ve never felt before. ” Christen continues, “I’ve never been angry because I was jealous of you and I’ve never felt anything but proud at your success and playing. I was so confused and didn’t know how to stop feeling that, and I felt so guilty for even thinking of it that way.”

“I guess seeing you without fully processing all of those feelings just made me put up a wall and lash out.” She bites her lip nervously, “It wasn’t just you though, I was angry with my team and myself too. I don’t understand any of it either - I wish I would, but I don’t. 

“You know that’s not true, right?” Tobin questions, “Your playing impresses me more every time I see it. You’re an insane forward, you’re one of the best players on the national team; you’re constantly smiling on the pitch and everyone loves you; you’re Stanford’s goal and assist record holder, which is insane; and you’re on fire for the National Team.” She squeezes Christen’s hand, “You scored in the World Cup, Christen - in the freaking World Cup! - and you just scored more goals than games at the Olympic Qualifiers. You’re amazing and I’ll never get tired of watching you play.” 

“But you’re just so you.” Christen continues, still trying to prove her point. “You’re always relaxed, always smiling bigger than anyone else, always loving harder, always being so patient and happy at the same time.” 

“You know who taught me all of that?” Tobin asks, watching as Christen shakes her head. “You! I wouldn’t be half of the person that I am today without you. Chris, you meant everything - you still do. You changed my life and me in the best way possible and that’s something I’ll always love you for.” 

Tobin takes a deep breath, contemplating her next sentence but deciding to speak all of it whilst they were being honest. “All of that disappeared when you weren’t around. I don’t think I’ve ever felt more lost and miserable than I am without you. It’s terrifying to feel all of that - I was so happy and excited for you to be back home one minute and the next you were gone for good.” 

She looks back at Christen, “We let soccer ruin our relationship and we promised that we’d never let that happen. We promised that we’d never let our sport get in between us.”

Christen nods, “I know, and I’m so incredibly sorry for that. I didn’t want to bother you with all of those crazy thoughts, so I didn’t say anything until one night everything just crashed and went up in flames.”

“You can’t just let your anger out on me. You’re supposed to talk to me!” Tobin says sadly, “You’re supposed to tell me how you feel so that I can support and help you. Instead, you just shut me out and then I got it all in my face.” 

Tobin runs a hand over her face, trying to understand where Christen came from that night. She keeps her voice gentle, not wanting to start any arguments. “You said I didn’t care about you, Christen! I have  _ always  _ cared about you and I thought that was clear.”

“I know you care.” Christen responds, knowing that another apology won’t stand for much right now. “You’ve always made me feel more loved and cared for than anyone ever could.” 

“I was horrible, I’m so sorry.” Christen chokes out, biting her bottom lip and closing her eyes for a moment.

Tobin pulls her in, hugging Christen tightly when she sees that Christen’s trying to keep her breathing under control. “You’re okay, it’s okay.”

She puts herself into Christen’s position and realizes that whilst she would have never said any of those words or avoided conversation for months after the break-up, she’s mixed her relationship with soccer before too. It was the whole reason why Tobin and her ex broke up, even though a lack of feelings towards the end had a play in that too, and she’s been the cause of a number of arguments with Christen in the past - mainly when she was injured and annoyed that Christen could still play. 

At the end of the day, she loves this woman with all of her heart. As long as Christen would fight for them and learn from her mistakes, she would be more than eager to work this out. 

Christen inhales deeply, finally getting the courage to speak up. She moves back out of Tobin’s embrace, looking up at her. “Where do we go from here?” 

“Where would  _ you  _ want us to go from here?” Tobin questions, wanting to hear Christen’s opinion first this time round. 

“I know that I don’t deserve it - in any way or shape or form - but I can’t leave without at least asking you. Is there any hope of you giving me a second chance? A chance to make it up to you and prove just how much I love you? I want to do everything I can to gain back your trust and for you to see how much you mean to me.” Christen asks hopefully, “I’ll be on the next flight to Utah if you want me to be, but maybe I could stay a little longer and then we could decide if there’s any hope left of an ‘ _ us’  _ in the future?”

“I want to try too.” Tobin nods, “But Christen, I can’t promise anything. No matter how I feel, it doesn’t mean that I’ll be able to just pretend like it never happened over night.”

“I know,” Christen speaks, reaching back out for Tobin’s hand. “I don’t expect you to forget about it or forgive me for it, but I can’t let you go without one last try.” 

“If you’re sure about this then yes, I want to see if we can rebuild what’s been broken. “ Tobin admits to Christen, “But I need to know if there’s even the slightest doubt in your mind right now.”

“I promise you that there isn’t! I would never hurt you like that again, I should have never hurt you like that in the first place!” Christen whispers, knowing the first three words held a much deeper meaning for both of them. “We don’t even have to label it for now. We could just see how it goes and then you can decide how you feel. I want to give you time and whatever else you need, so you can see if you’ll be able to trust me again. That’s if you want to.” 

“Of course I want to.” Tobin nods right away, “It won’t be easy, though.”

Christen nods, agreeing and waiting for Tobin to continue. 

“We also can’t keep running from the other whenever we argue or are too afraid to express our feelings. We both keep doing that and it’s exhausting! We never used to do that.” Tobin explains, “This has to start with lots of communication.” 

“Our problems started when we began running away from them.” Christen agrees.

“If we’re going to try and do this, then we have to talk about everything. We have to start at the play-offs and go through everything we felt whilst we were apart. All of it, no holding back.” Tobin pauses to take a deep breath, “I want this, so badly. I’ve always wanted you and you only, but I need to be able to trust you just like you have to be able to trust me.” 

“I trust you with my life.” 

“And I trust you with mine too!” Tobin responds, “My mind has been lost for so many months now and there’s not been a single second where you didn’t cross my mind, so I just need to figure out how to come back from that. When I say that I have to be able to trust you, I mean that I have to trust you with my feelings. I have to know that something like this won’t happen again and that you’re being honest with me when you’re talking about what you feel towards me.” 

Christen gives her an understanding nod, “I know it’s not worth much, but I just want you to know that apart from  _ that  _ night, I’ve never been anything but honest with you.”

“I know, which is why it broke me so much. You never lie, not to anyone but especially not to me, so it crushed me to hear you say that you didn’t love me anymore.” 

She reaches out for Tobin, taking her face into her hands. “I love you. Loving you is something I never once doubted, even if I said what I did. If I could take it back, I would in a heartbeat. I’d take all of it back - the fight, leaving right away, not contacting you...all of it!” 

“I love you too.” Tobin whispers in a broken voice. 

Christen looks back into Tobin’s eyes, “Do you think we’ll be okay?”

“I don’t know, but I really hope so.” Tobin nods, not wanting to promise anything but knowing that if she had it her way, they definitely will be. 

“I’m just so sorry!” Christen chokes out, feeling Tobin’s arms wrap around her again. “I never wanted to hurt you, I never wanted to lose you.” 

Tobin pulls her in closer, running a hand down her back. “It’s okay, we can’t change the past now. We can only move forward.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took me long enough, oops!
> 
> My semester is ending in a week so hopefully I'll be able to update more,
> 
> Anyway, this chapter didn't go as planned but I'm still going with it. Did I mention this is now officially a multi-chapter fic and not just the original idea of a super long one-shot or 3-5 chapter fic?
> 
> -
> 
> Come and chat on Tumblr if you want!
> 
> Tumblr : PressPack


	5. Clarity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Super short update with not a whole lot of details, but I finally got around to writing a new chapter!

Tobin doesn’t move an inch. 

She keeps her tight hold on Christen, just wanting to comfort her. She closes her eyes, taking in the scent of Christen’s shampoo and sending a silent prayer that everything will work out in the end. 

Tobin doesn’t pull away until she hears Christen’s breathing calm, her taking a deep breath before also moving to pull away. 

“I’m exhausted.” Christen admits and Tobin knows exactly what she means. 

“Why don’t I make us some tea and we can just relax for a little while? I think we’ve both done enough thinking for one day.” Tobin suggests, to which Christen nods. 

She makes her way to the sofa, waiting as Tobin brings their cups over. 

Christen freezes for a moment, unsure as to where she should sit and how close she’s allowed to go. She hates this, the feeling of hesitation and uncertainty. Being around Tobin has never felt this way before and the foreign feeling is certainly not welcome. 

Tobin drops down onto the corner of their corner sofa, putting her feet up. 

It’s almost as if she can sense Christen’s nerves, patting the space next to her. “Come here.” She requests softly whilst lifting her arm. 

Christen shuffles closer, tucking herself into her open arm and leaning into the older woman. 

They drink their tea in silence, both of them just trying to process their whole morning. It’s still early, not even midday yet, and they both already feel more than ready to go to sleep. 

“Can we take a short nap?” Tobin requests afterwards, barely being able to keep her eyes open anymore from how exhausted she feels. 

Tobin doesn’t want to think anymore. Her mind is exhausted and she wants to block the outside world out for a little while, so she doesn’t have to deal with it all right this second. 

She knows that she doesn’t have to ask Christen, but the younger woman knows exactly why she did. It feels so comforting to be sitting there with a familiar body in her arms, that she doesn’t want to move. She wants to fall asleep right there, with Christen in her arms. 

“Yeah.” Christen nods, leaning forward to place her cup on the coffee table. “I think we both need one!” 

She turns her body so she’s tucked even further into Tobin, resting her head down on her shoulder and nuzzling her face into Tobin’s neck ever so slightly.

When she feels that Tobin’s body is still just as relaxed as before, not having tensened up at the action, she moves her hand up to the arm that’s draped over her shoulder, keeping her close. She slowly links her fingers through Tobin’s, resting their intertwined hands down on her chest when Tobin doesn’t pull away. 

Christen simply closes her eyes, drifting into the best sleep she’s had since the last time she got to sleep in Tobin’s arms. 

\-------

They don’t wake up for three whole hours, which is way longer than either of them would usually nap. 

Surprisingly, Tobin wakes up first. 

She opens her eyes, looking down to see Christen. She can feel the small puffs of breath coming out of Christen’s mouth, her head weighing on Tobin’s body, her leg which found a place to rest in between Tobin’s, and the way Christen is holding onto her as if she might disappear. 

Tobin lifts her head up for a brief moment, kissing Christen’s head before lightly running her fingers up and down Christen’s back. 

She must have felt this enough to wake up, as she slowly stretches her body before her eyes flutter open. 

Christen wiggles out of Tobin’s hold, making Tobin reluctantly let go. She sits up, rubbing her eyes and looking around. 

“Oh.” She comments when she spots Tobin, looking around again before moving back into Tobin’s side. 

“Sorry, I’m just used to sleeping alone, so I got a little confused.” Christen clarifies, wanting to explain why she removed herself from their position. 

Tobin doesn’t comment on it, so Christen drops the topic. 

“What time is it?” She wonders, looking down at her wrist to find her Apple Watch absent. 

Tobin picks her phone up from the cushion next to her, looking at her lockscreen. “Just after two.” 

Christen sits up a little higher, still staying as close as possible. “I have a zoom interview later, but I can rearrange it if you want.” She offers, knowing that they’re both drained and not exactly with it today. 

“No, go ahead.” Tobin shakes her head right away, “I need some fresh air for a little while anyway, so I’ll just go on a walk.” 

“Okay.” Christen nods slowly, seeing that sensing that Tobin wants some space to think. She drops her head back onto the sofa, sighing and rubbing her face before tying her curls up. 

“I have an hourish, but I was gonna wash my hair, so I should get up.” She announces as she stands up, Tobin copying her action. 

When Christen disappears into the bathroom, Tobin gets changed, grabbing her phone and wallet. She puts on her shoes, looking to see if Christen is back in the living room already. 

When she sees that she isn’t, she knocks on the bathroom door, calling out her name. “Chris, I’m out now!” 

“Okay, see you later.” Christen responds from behind the door. 

She’s about to walk away when she stalls, “Good luck with your interview!”

“Thank you. Bye!” 

Tobin furrows her eyebrows when she closes her apartment door. 

_ How does that even happen? How did I go from always leaving every door open to knocking and speaking to a closed door? How did we lose everything we ever worked for?  _

She shakes her head, exiting the building and making her way towards the park a few blocks away. It’s constantly been quiet and empty throughout the past weeks, so Tobin thought this is the perfect place to sit down and think. 

She sits down on one of the large rocks, finding them more comfortable than the benches. She stares into the distance, watching three dogs running around in the distance, their owners standing together on the side. 

One of the dogs reminds her of Morena, Christen’s parents’ dog. She used to adore Morena and Khaleesi, thinking back to the many memories she’s made whilst being in LA with Christen.

There’s so many of them, but there’s always been one specific one that stood out to her, even if LA itself didn’t play a role in it. 

It was the last time they were visiting for Cody’s birthday. They’d been celebrating all day long and Tobin was part of the family, just like she has been since the start. She was welcomed into the Press family with open arms when they first told their families about their relationship, both of their families already knowing each other from the National Team over the years. 

They grew closer and closer with each other’s families after that. 

Despite having both stayed at the other’s family home before, due to their close friendship in years when they were both still dating other people, it was different after that. They immediately became part of those families. It’s as if everyone knew that this was it, that they were meant to be. 

There they were, on the night of Cody’s birthday, with Tobin telling Christen about a conversation she had with Channing earlier that day. It was just one of those moments where it was clear for Christen how perfect Tobin is for her. In that moment, she just  _ had  _ to tell Tobin how amazing she is. 

She just had to tell her that she’s the love of her life and that she’s beyond excited to marry her one day.

Tobin remembers how her stomach instantly filled with butterflies. The feeling was overwhelming, but so welcome. 

All she could think about since then was the custom ring she’d been designing for Christen at the time. It was so close to being done and she couldn’t wait to have it at home with her. It wasn't going to be long until that ring lives on a tanned finger. 

Thinking back to that day just feels crazy to her. Her world looked so different back then. Their  _ lives  _ looked so different back then. 

She never would have thought that this is how they end up. 

One thing Tobin knows for sure is that this isn't how they end. She’s doing to make sure that this current state won’t make or break their future with each other. It’s going to be a long journey, she knows that, but she wants to see where this road takes them. 

She thinks about everything Christen has said to her over the past few months and today. It’s like she’s saying all this stuff, from something that is hurtful, or maybe even unintentionally so, to something that is the exact words Tobin was hoping to hear. 

Christen said she didn’t love her, those words were clear, but now all of the sudden she found out that it was a lie. Of course that gives her a sense of relief too, knowing that maybe her chances aren’t completely gone, but Christen lied to her. Christen lied to her and  _ that  _ hurts Tobin the most, especially because she lied about something so big, something so fragile and something that the younger woman knew would break Tobin’s heart.

Whilst the words might have not been intentional, she’s had months to fix that. She had months to call or text, she had a chance to talk to her during camp, and heck, she even had the chance to not get on that flight to Utah in first place and instead fix whatever the issue was. 

It’s confusing her, all of it is, but she wants to give this a try. She wants another shot at her happy ever after. This is her chance and she isn’t going to waste it, even if she doesn’t quite end up getting her happy ending out of it. 

But she knows what she needs to be able to rebuild their relationship. She knows that she needs space, time and a friendship between them before this can go anywhere else. If Christen wants this just as badly as she does, then she’s going to be willing to be patient with her and go at whatever pace Tobin feels comfortable. 

Tobin sits there for what feels like forever. She recalls every moment, every memory and every second they spent apart. She uses it to try and figure out what she really wants.

The only thing that Tobin notices has stayed the same throughout all of that, is that it's Christen or no one. 

Christen is it for her. She always has been, and she always will be.  And right now, that seems to be the only certainty in her life. 

Unlike her not knowing when she gets to see her family next or when she gets to step onto a soccer field again or when she gets to see any of her teammates again or whether the Olympics will even end up taking place next year, unlike everything uncertain in her life, she does know that she's completely and utterly, head-over-heels in love with Christen.

She ends up heading home when she sees that Christen’s interview should almost be finished by now. She walks into the apartment a short walk later, Christen exiting the guest bedroom after having quickly changed clothes again. 

“How was the interview?” Tobin wonders, jumping up on the kitchen counter. 

“Good.” Christen nods, “The questions were pretty much what I expected them to be.” 

Tobin raises an eyebrow at her, asking Christen to continue. 

“Just the ones about whether lockdown is going to change when I want to retire, if I know when we’ll next get a chance to play, how I’m staying fit and all of that.” 

She hums, thinking that they raised a good point. “Is it?”

“Is what?” Christen wonders. 

“Is it going to change when you want to retire?”

She shrugs. “The Olympics are postponed by a full year and it looks like next season is going to be cancelled too, so my only answer right now is I don’t know. I want to take part in these Olympics, but I’ll have to see whether I want to try for another World Cup or not. If they even end up happening next year, then it’s only going to be another one and a half seasons until the World Cup, so I just feel like that changes a lot of things.”

“Yeah, it does.” Tobin agrees right away. “But will it not end up as a never ending cycle? After that it’s a year until the next Olympics and then it just keeps going.” 

“Woah, hold your horses.” Christen chuckles, “There’s only so much my old legs can take. I’ll be running around with no butt and thighs the next time I step on the pitch if this lasts any longer.” 

Tobin shakes her head, giving Christen a questioning look. “I think they’ll both be just fine.” 

“Oh, yeah?” Christen challenges, enjoying this small moment of teasing, even if it’s not much of anything. “Has someone been looking?” 

“I'm just helping you out with some words of encouragement, take it or leave it.” Tobin shrugs with a smirk. “But if I happened to be looking, then it must have been an accident.” 

“Mhm, because I’m going to believe that.” She chuckles, biting her lip before continuing. “Well, in case you were worried, your...ehm...your calves and thighs are still doing just fine too.” Christen comments before mumbling under her breath. “And everything else.”

She blushes as she looks away from Tobin, trying to stop turning red. Christen realizes she’s made a mistake when instead of looking in the opposite direction, her eyes drop down to Tobin’s arms. 

Of course it’s just her luck that the jacket Tobin took off when she came back to the apartment revealed a tank top. 

Christen can’t stop herself - can’t stop looking at the strong arms in front of her. 

Her eyes run down Tobin’s smooth skin, dropping to where the hem of her top reveals the smallest patch of skin. But Christen doesn’t have to use her imagination to come up with what’s under her top. She’s seen Tobin’s abs one too many times for her mouth not to go dry at the thought of it. 

Her thoughts get interrupted when Tobin clears her throat, making Christen’s eyes shoot back up in a split second. 

“You doing alright there?” She tilts her head, clearly teasing Christen and knowing exactly what she had been looking at. 

Christen clears her throat too, trying to get her thoughts back. “Yup.” 

She goes to move past Tobin and towards the fridge, wanting to see what options they have for dinner, when Tobin straightens out her leg and blocks Christen’s path. 

Christen turns to look at Tobin, who’s sporting a massive grin. “You’ve- you’ve got a bit of drool right there!” 

“Oh my gosh, shut up!” Christen laughs, giving Tobin an unimpressed expression. She tries to continue walking, but Tobin keeps her leg still against Christen’s stomach, not letting her move past. 

“Tobin! Let me go!” She pouts, trying to stay on her path towards the kitchen and continue moving. 

Tobin just chuckles, wrapping her other leg around the back of Christen so she can no longer move. The younger woman gives her an unimpressed look, raising her eyebrows and attempting to look stern. 

She reaches out for Christen’s arm, pulling her closer. Tobin jumps down from the countertop, standing in front of Christen now. 

Tobin gives her a look in the eyes before taking the smallest step forward and lightly kissing her cheek. She turns around, walking towards the fridge after that, pretending her lips hadn’t just touched the part of Christen’s skin that is now blushing. 

“Why don’t we have that last bit of soup left over from yesterday?” Tobin suggests, thinking that it’s something quick and easy for them to simply heat up. “Do you fancy it or would you rather eat something else?” 

Christen shrugs. “Soup sounds good.” Her eyes flick over to the counter top, seeing the cake Tobin bought when she went grocery shopping the other day. “And then a slice of that cake for dessert?” 

Tobin pulls a can out of the fridge. “We even have whipped cream...and strawberries.” 

“Sorted!” She grins, reaching past Tobin to get the large bowl of soup. 

They’re more relaxed around each other by the time they finish eating. It’s not comfortable and they’re not exactly at ease, but they’ve always been each other’s safe place and that’s never changed. 

It’s something that won’t ever change.

Christen is unsure where the day leaves them when they stand up to go to bed that night. Sure they’d napped together earlier and agreed that Christen would let Tobin figure this out whilst they try to reconnect, but does that mean they start falling back into old routines too or is it too early for that?   
  


Tobin grabs herself a bottle of water, looking at Christen’s suddenly hesitant and tense expression. She clears her throat. “Umm, I need some space for tonight, I think. If that’s okay. Everything is just so much and...and my head is all over the place.” 

“Of course.” Christen reassures her right away. She knows Tobin is trying, even if she shouldn’t have to, and she also knows that she’s more than grateful for the way they were around each other tonight. It wasn’t anywhere near what they had, but it was there, it was faint and a long distance away, but still, it was there. 

And that’s more than she could have ever asked for when she woke up this morning. 


	6. You Did What?

Christen walks out of the guest room, trying to find where she left her phone. She’s looking around, noticing that Tobin is no longer painting like she was earlier. 

She shrugs, figuring Tobin took a break or had enough for the day.

Things had been better between them over the past week. It’s as if they’re growing closer and closer again every day. They’re still trying to find their rhythm again, but it’s coming back more and more with every hour they spend together.

Christen takes another step, finding that her foot lands on something. 

_ Shit.  _ Her eyes go wide as she looks down, noticing the paintbrush that she just stepped on. She bends down, going to pick it up, when she notices that the paint wasn’t just on the laminate floor, but also on the carpet. 

“Tobs?” Christen bites her lip, trying to find out where the woman went. 

“Yeah?” She hears a voice coming from the bathroom, assuming that Tobin took a quick shower to get any paint off her. 

“I think I just got some paint on the carpet…” She approaches, unsure how Tobin is going to react. Normally, Tobin would just kiss her, reassure her that it’s okay and then laugh about it, but this technically isn’t her home anymore. It’s Tobin’s apartment, not theirs, so she’s not sure what to expect. 

“You did what?” 

Christen looks down at the floor again when Tobin comes out of the bathroom. “I accidentally got some paint on the carpet.” 

Tobin runs her hand through her hair with a frustrated look on her face, clearly trying not to overreact. 

“Don’t give me that face, you’re the one that left the paintbrush there.” Christen cringes at her own tone, knowing it could have been a little friendlier. 

“Well, maybe you should have been looking where you’re walking.” Tobin returns in the same tone, that frustration making its way out. 

“I just didn’t see it, I’m sorry!” Christen defends, now speaking in a softer voice in an attempt to not make this go any further and to simply move on from it, so she can go ahead and clean the floor. 

“You didn’t see it? Is that another lie?” Is the response she gets, although it doesn’t sound angry. 

It just sounds broken. Tobin’s voice sounds broken. 

“What- why would I lie to you about that?” She tilts her head, clear confusion on her face. 

“What? Because you never lie?” Tobin wonders, not even giving Christen a chance to respond. “So you didn’t lie when you told me that you loved me or you didn’t lie when you told me that you didn’t love me?” 

Christen runs her hand through her hair. “Don’t make this about us, Tobin. All I did was step in some paint.”

“You did a whole lot more damage than that, trust me.” Tobin defends herself right away and Christen knows that, she really does. “I said I’m sorry.”

“Yes, yes you did.” Tobin nods her head. “But sorry doesn’t fix everything.”

“It doesn’t change all the nights I’ve spent crying and it doesn’t change all of the times I wanted to call you or text you and tell you that I need you. It doesn’t change all of the times I wanted to tell you that I love you, but couldn’t.” She continues, not giving Christen the opportunity to say anything else. “I wanted to beg you to come back to me and just try to love me.”

She takes a deep breath, before shaking my head. “I wanted you to pretend to love me, just so I wouldn’t have to live a life without you. And  _ that  _ is messed up, because I shouldn’t ever want someone to pretend to care.”

“So no, it doesn’t fix everything. Sorry doesn’t fix the fact that you broke my heart.” Tobin stops herself before she keeps this going for even longer. 

“I know, Tobin, I really do.” Christen nods, because she does know. “And I’m working on it, I promise. I’m really trying.” 

“You wouldn’t have to try if you hadn’t let your anger out on me in first place.” She says in a disappointed voice.

“You say that as if you’ve never done that before.” She raises her eyebrow, also sticking up for herself now. “You’ve ignored me before, because of the way you played in a game.”

“Yes, I did and I know that wasn’t right, but I have never called you names or told you that I don’t love you.” Tobin speaks out in a harsh tone. “And I never would.” 

“I shouldn’t have said what I said, I know that and I regret it more than anything.” Christen nods her head, agreeing with Tobin. “I know that it doesn’t excuse my behaviour, but this title is something I really wanted. I wanted to win the league with this team and prove to the fans that the Royals could do it.” 

“There is no but to it.” Tobin doesn’t even give Christen another chance to explain. “I get what you’re saying and that we’re professional athletes, so the want to win is in our blood, but that doesn’t mean you should lie to someone about your feelings. Especially when that person is your girlfriend of nearly five years and loves you beyond words.” 

“Nothing excuses that.” Tobin shakes her head again. “I don’t care what the excuse is. What happens at work, happens at work and it gets left there when you come home. I get that it’s different for us, because it’s our sport and it’s something we have in common, but talk to me.”

“Tell me how you feel and that you’re angry or upset, so we can work it out and I can try to help you feel better. Your team losing a game wasn’t my fault and I have always stood by you to support you, when you got further than me in the playoffs, so why couldn’t you do the same for me?” She wonders, wanting an honest response. “We didn’t even need to talk about the playoffs. I just wanted to have you home, so I could spend some time with you and reconnect.”

Christen’s voice is small as she whispers to Tobin. “I really am so, so sorry.” 

Tobin rubs her forehead, taking a deep breath, before moving to hug Christen. She’s not sure what she feels right now, but the comfort of Christen’s arms is the only thing she wants. 

“I love you so much, Tobin.” Christen breathes out. “And I mean that.” 

“Did love stop being enough?” Tobin wonders, being too tired to think the question over, before voicing it. 

“I don’t know.” Christen admits, hating herself for all of this. “I really don’t know, but I hope it isn’t.”

“I wish loving someone wouldn’t hurt this bad.” She speaks out in pain, hiding her face in Christen’s shoulder. 

Christen squeezes her a little tighter for a second. “I promise I’ll try to make it stop hurting.” 

“I’m going to make myself some lunch, do you want anything?” She questions when her stomach rumbles. 

“No, I’m good, thanks.” She shakes her head, having lost her appetite. 

Tobin ends up making Christen a light sandwich anyway, knowing that the woman shouldn’t go without eating. She brings their food outside onto the balcony, where Christen is reading. 

She sees the tear stains on Christen’s face as soon as the sun shines onto the younger woman’s face. 

Tobin knows that she got unnecessarily upset about something so small, seeing as she’s definitely stepped on her own paintbrushes in the past. Maybe there are a lot of things she needs to improve about herself too, like her patience in moments when she struggles to stay calm. 

She moves Christen’s book out of her hands, stroking the tears off her cheeks and passing her the plate. 

They eat together, mostly in silence and just listening to the sounds from the city, when Tobin suddenly starts laughing. 

Christen gives her a questioning look, wondering what’s so funny. 

“Only you could get paint on the carpet, when the paintbrush was miles away from it.” Tobin laughs a little harder this time, but Christen just gives her an unsure look. 

“I hope you apologized to my paintbrush for standing on it.” She jokes and Christen starts laughing now too. 

After they finish eating, Tobin suggests something. 

“Can we talk?” She wonders. “Like have a proper talk? No lies, no I don’t knows, no maybes, just facts and thoughts.”

“Yeah, I think we both need to have a conversation like that.” Christen nods, because she knows Tobin is right. 

“I think so too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Game Day! I have a massive block with both my fics right now, so please bear with me lol.


	7. Our Story

Christen sighs as she looks back at Tobin, both of them had been silent for a long moment.

She’d lost track of the minutes during that time, but it may as well have been forever. 

“Did you mean it?” Tobin wonders as she turns towards Christen, meeting the woman’s green eyes. “Earlier you said that you love me. Did you mean it?” 

“Yes.” Christen simply states, not needing to give a long explanation for that simple word. “I’ve always loved you, Tobin. I never stopped, even after I ruined everything.”

“You need to stop constantly blaming yourself.” Tobin picks out something she’s noticed. 

“But it was my fault, it  _ is  _ my fault.” Christen tells her, as if it should be obvious. 

“Blaming yourself doesn’t get us anywhere.” She tells the younger woman. “The only thing it does is make you miserable and angry at yourself. What happened, happened. We can’t change the past, Christen, and I don’t want to sit here and point fingers. I’m so far away from being perfect and I’ve made more than my fair share of mistakes, so there are more important things to focus on than who’s to blame.”

Christen nods slowly, agreeing with Tobin. “I’m not sure I know how to do that though.”

“That’s okay.” Tobin’s voice is a little softer this time. “I'm going to be honest and say that I’m not sure I know how to trust you again right now, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t want to work through that and at least give it a try.” 

“If all I keep telling myself is that I can’t trust you, then that’s what I’m going to believe. The same goes for you telling yourself that it’s your fault.” She tries to help Christen be a little less hard on herself. “At the end of the day, blaming yourself doesn’t change the situation for the better, it can only make it worse.” 

She nods a little more confidently this time. 

“Look, life is short. We’ll never know how long we’ve got left - it could be a second, a day, ten years, fifty years or maybe even more. We can’t control that, but what we can control is how we live our life every single day.” Tobin takes a deep breath, carefully thinking her words through. “You mean  _ so  _ much to me, way too much for me to ever move on from us. You were my whole world, my everything, and I wanted that forever.” 

“Maybe it really isn’t meant to be and maybe I’m only supposed to love you from afar, but I won’t know that until I give you all the love that I can give you. No matter what happens in the future, you will always be the person that I care the most about in life.” Tobin begins to explain. “I want to learn how to trust you again, so badly. I don’t know what the future holds, but I do know that I won’t stop loving you, so instead of keeping that love for myself, I really do want to give us another try.” 

“If you want that too, which I’m really hoping you do, then I need you to promise me two things though.” She requests, looking up at Christen with big and hopeful eyes. 

“I do want that, so much.” Christen reaches across the table, squeezing Tobin’s hand. “And I’ve always thought that we were meant to be, since day one. Everyone goes through rough patches sometimes and every relationship has its problems, so even if ours aren’t just small ones and we ended up spending some time apart, maybe it really is meant to be?”

“Even the fact that we’re here together, right now. I feel like it’s the universe giving us another chance by us ending up in quarantine together and unable to travel, when I could have gone back to Utah or flown out to California.” She explains and she really does think that. “I don’t know where time is going to take us, but I do know that our story isn’t over yet, no matter what it looks like in the future. Whether that ends with us being friends or ends with us being each other’s happy ever after - our story doesn’t end right here, in this very moment.” 

Christen stops talking, looking back at Tobin and waiting for her to continue with what she was saying earlier. 

“I need you to promise me that you’ll work on no longer blaming yourself and just accepting the fact that pointing fingers won’t help this situation. It won’t change what happened. The only thing we can change is what our future looks like.” Tobin begins, and Christen nods along. “And I also need you to promise me that you’ll try to be patient with me and that we can be friends first. Before everything, when we were still dating other people, we were such close friends. We were best friends, even if I always knew that there’s something more there. I want us to have that again, I want us to be that close again, because I don’t want us diving into the deep end, if we’re not ready for that.”

“I’d much rather wait and take this slow, than rush it and ruin everything before we even get a chance to try again. We’re in lockdown and it’s just the two of us, so right now, we have all the time in the world.” She continues, looking down for a split second, before meeting Christen’s eyes again. “We have the time to be friends and to build a relationship outside of a romantic one. We don’t have anywhere to be and we won’t be apart in the near future, as far as we’re aware, so we don’t have to worry about rushing back into something just to do it before we’re in different states again.” 

“So, friends?” Christen asks Tobin, telling the woman that she accepts exactly what she’s saying. “And actual friends, until we’re  _ hopefully  _ ready for more in the future. If we start anything before we’re ready for it, then it’ll just break down again in the blink of an eye and we’ll regret it for a very long time.”

“Yeah, friends.” Tobin softly nods. 

“Just one thing...before we start being friends.” Christen sticks her finger up, as Tobin gives her a curious look. “Even during our time as friends and the uncertainty of  _ our  _ future, I want you to know that I love you. Not in a friend way, not in a fake way, but as a true, I love you. Because I do, I love you a lot.” 

A small smile makes its way onto Tobin’s face. “I love you too.” 

“Okay, okay.” She sits up a little taller, turning towards the older woman. “Friends!”

Tobin rolls her eyes, sticking her pinkie out too and hooking it through Christen’s awaiting one. “Friends.”

“I hope you won’t be as annoying as the first time we were friends.” The younger woman teases, winking in Tobin’s direction and trying not to laugh. 

“Hey!” Tobin swats Christen’s shoulder, as if she’s speaking nonsense. “I was not annoying!” 

“Not when you woke me up in the middle of the night, because you thought of a joke and were worried you’d forget it by the morning?” Christen laughs as she recalls a moment from when they were roommates at camp. “Or when you just had to wear the hoodie that I picked out for myself on that day, so I had to wear something completely different.” 

“That was two times and you said I could borrow your hoodie!” Tobin defends herself, raising her eyebrows. 

“I could name a whole lot more.” She chuckles, narrowing her eyes at Tobin. "You're a thief!"

The older woman just sticks her tongue out at Christen, crossing her arms and huffing as she turns away, making Christen laugh. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm just going to keep these chapters short (and sometimes sweet), so I hope you don't mind that they're nowhere near as long as my HSM ones. I just want to make sure that I keep this story moving, whenever I'm in the mood to write it, and I know I won't find the motivation to write super long chapters for this fic.


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